Miracle at the Mile End

Click here for the Maltese version

"This here is not Europe. This today is a market. It’s just like a fish market in Tokyo. It’s a united europe but to the advantage of the capitalists and the bankers.

Europe has to become a lot more than this. Europe has to become like a box of valuable jewels distinguishing us from other continents.

This has to be not in order to create barriers, but so as to keep and give that which is good with that which europe represents. I want for Malta to be the very best of Europe in this season of the new winning generation.

In the past we made our mistakes. Partnership winning was a mistake. The ideology of Switzerland in the Mediterranean was not perfect. But there are certain things that my dear friend Alfred, whom I had challenged in standing for european parliament and stood against his will, was right about - such as the exaggerated inflation rates due to the euro, the military interference and foreign interference.

I do not accept that there is not interpretation of the Maltese language in european parliament. You saw me on Xarabank and how I snapped at those of Europe when they didn't bring along an interpreter. Because this is what we had agreed upon and I am a man of principle. That’s what I told those of europe and they crapped in their pants: 'What is the point of having it in black and white when we do not respect that which is written? What the hell?' And I slammed the papers also and afterwards sat myself down.

I want to show that this is a true country. That it has balls, as Mintoff told me when I went to see him with my friend Jason. Europe belongs to Malta too and it’s not Malta that belongs to Europe. And even though I agree with the Lisbon Treaty that I read in all of a quarter hour, still I need to respect the deal that was made with the whole of europe that if the Treaty should be refused by just the one country, it needs to go back to the drawing board. Because this is what we agreed upon and I am a man of principle. What is the point of having it in black and white when we do not respect that which is written? What the hell?"

I'm afraid that I have homosexual tendencies. I am afraid because otherwise I won't be able to receive communion because I might infect somebody with my disease

I am afraid because I dreamt of Joseph Muscat - the cutest leader of a party in the country. I dreamt that he spoke those same italicized sentences while on the treadmill addressing the delegates. My wife began to get jealous and spent a whole day asking me more about this Muscat and this Jason that I spoke of in my dreams. I told her ‘In the name of the God and joseph, just call him Joseph or we will have many problems’.

My wife kept bugging me and so I turned on Xarabank for her. There he was on a white sofa with his new friend Ġużeppi. There was a youth who pleaded that he enforces distance between the fireworks factories from near the schools. I was of two minds as to who was the true youthful leader amongst them.

Joseph responded very well: he told him that it wasn't the fault of the fireworks factories that the schools were there. How wise indeed are Joseph's responses. Who knows how many votes he earnt himself from the festive hobbyists and further votes from parents whose children attend such schools and wish to divorce.

And then so that Joseph would not lost votes, he condemned the shooting upon a dog and yet shooting upon birds is alright since it’s a hobby. A new leader for a new generation. The spring of victory. You can shoot upon birds...not dogs. It’s like saying that it’s bad if somebody shoots you in the chest but it's fine if he shoots a hole right up your ass.

And then Joseph had a very difficult moment before him. Asked by a homosexual woman whether they ought to have the right to marry, Joseph, as a new man who keeps astride with the times, had the courage to tell her that they will have the same rights as brothers who cohabitate in the same house. Joseph is right - you've no idea how many brothers there are giving him each others asses so as to get their chance at glory in the house of Labour.

Joseph is the future of the present. He managed to admit mistakes that did not exist. The leader of a great mass of labourites that kept following him and showing pride in being told that their party has been screwing them over for the last 10 years. But now Joseph has shown light to the blind flock.

Indeed Joseph is a great man. He sent a letter to the vigilance board and requested that a letter be sent to all those who were kicked out of the party. Lino Spiteri received one such letter and in the last sentence he found written: "I forgive you because you knew what you were doing."

Joseph did not stop there. He enlisted his new friend Peppi so as to sit upon the board of journalistic ethics in the newsroom of ONE. It’s like he bought a condom for the rapist. Screw her as much as you like for as long as you don't get her pregnant.

Joseph Muscat is the new Albert Marshall.

The wine is becoming water. I repeat: the wine is becoming water.

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